Behaviour is everything we do; from the moment we are born till the day we die…it’s how we communicate our needs.  And it is true, some people are better at expressing these needs through their actions, while others are still learning how to do so in a pro-social and effective manner. At the heart of it all, behaviour is a message, a way of signalling what is happening in any given moment. Understanding this concept can revolutionise how we view ourselves, others, and our interactions.  It’s time to re-think the traditional notion of behaviour being right or wrong, good, or bad, and instead think of it as helpful or unhelpful. Let’s take a deeper look at why this shift in perspective is so important.

As Dr William Glasser tells us, from the moment we are born, our brains are wired to behave in the best way it is able, to satisfy one or more of our five basic needs, these being:

• the need to connect with self and others (love and belonging)
• the need to feel competent, capable and to achieve (em-power-ment)
• the need to have agency over our own actions and choices (freedom)
• the need for joy, learning, and curious play (fun)
• the need to be safe and ensure our physical well-being (survival)

Every behaviour we engage in is, at its core, an attempt to fulfill one or more of these basic needs. Take a baby, for example: when an infant cries, it is communicating that they have an unmet need — they might be hungry, tired, cold, or need comfort. Crying is the baby’s best attempt at signalling this need.  When someone responds and the baby’s need is met, their “picture of needs satisfaction” is complete.

And now, if that same behaviour occurred because the student noticed a fire in the corner of the classroom, then yelling and gaining the attention of all around might be the most effective way to communicate the emergency. In this context, the behaviour is not only helpful but vital for safety! This illustrates the key idea: behaviour is neither inherently good nor bad. It simply serves as a way of expressing a desire at the point in time. The value of the behaviour comes down to whether it is helpful or unhelpful in the given context.

The next step in this understanding is to recognise that every person, regardless of age, is continuously learning to choose the best behaviour to meet their needs. It’s a lifelong process of trial and error, and this is where we can make a significant impact, especially in our relationships with children, adolescents, and even ourselves.  If we can help people, young and old, discern whether their behaviours are helping them get closer to what they want (or not), we can foster self-awareness and personal growth rather than judgement and shaming. 

Asking ourselves, are the behaviours I am engaging in, serving me? Are they getting me closer to what I want?

Are they helping me achieve my goals? Or are they actually (If I’m being honest with myself) getting in the way? 

For example, a child (or anyone for that matter) might lash out in frustration when they feel misheard, misunderstood or when they perceive a situation to be unfair.  While this behaviour may be an attempt to fulfill their need for connection or understanding, ultimately, it may lead to them alienating themself even further. By helping others recognise that while their need is always valid, the way they are choosing to behave may be unhelpful and we can use these questioning approaches to guide them towards a more effective choice.

Similarly, as adults, we too often get caught up in habitual patterns of behaviour that may no longer be serving us, as they possibly had in the past.  By becoming more mindful and conscious of the choices we make, we can move closer to fulfilling our needs in healthier, more effective ways. Our behaviour choices directly impact our happiness, contentment, and sense of fulfillment; William Glasser quotes, ‘we almost always have choices, and the better the choice, the more we will be in control of our lives’.  Every time we choose a behaviour that is helpful … one that brings us closer to meeting our needs in a healthy, effective way, we move closer to being the person we want to be and the life we want to live.

When you realise that the choices you make in response to life’s challenges are in your hands, something incredible happens … you become the creator of your own happiness. No one else can make these choices for you.  Choosing helpful behaviours that move you towards your goals, that build connection, and bring you joy, is a skill that can be developed. The more we practice it, the more we shift our lives towards greater happiness, peace, and fulfillment. It’s not about waiting for outside circumstances to change or relying on others to make us feel a certain way; it’s about taking responsibility for our actions and understanding that we always have the power to choose.

A Shift in Perspective: Moving Towards Self-Management

If we start to view behaviour as a message rather than a moral judgment of the person using it, it opens new avenues for growth and self-regulation; we create space for understanding, improvement, and personal evolution.

By focusing on whether a behaviour is helpful or unhelpful, we empower ourselves and others to make better choices. When we stop shaming behaviour and start asking, “Is this working for you? Is this helping you get closer to what you want?  Ultimately, this approach fosters self-reflection and personal thinking which are the building blocks of self-management. If we can teach people, young and old, how to better discern their own actions and the impact it has on their relationships, we might be moving closer to a world where individuals are more self-aware, compassionate, and skilled in their interactions.  Behaviour is a powerful tool and ultimately if we can choose behaviours that move us closer to what we desire, we’ll be on our way to creating a more self-managed world.